[NOTHING_REAL]

with my little purring princess in my lap.

2009-10-01T21:56:43Z

how one recieves a hug from a cockroach.

2009-09-05T23:38:13Z

nothingreal0 @ 2009-09-02T21:02:00

2009-09-03T04:09:44Z

I
i pretend, i forget.
the moment consumes.

II

i weep.
the embers cool.

III

the divide disintegrates.
time and space unsew themselves.

nothingreal0 @ 2009-08-31T12:57:00

2009-08-31T21:24:27Z

nothingreal0 @ 2009-08-22T12:23:00

2009-08-22T19:26:24Z

get your stomp on.

2009-08-17T23:11:55Z

nothingreal0 @ 2009-08-16T22:14:00

2009-08-17T05:35:33Z

my super fly pimp cruiser.

nothingreal0 @ 2009-08-05T23:56:00

2009-08-06T07:02:06Z

Maybe my words aren't fit for anyone.
Maybe no one cares.
I don't care that they don't,
so maybe it's just as well.

"The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice. And because we fail to notice that we fail to notice, there is little we can do to change; until we notice how failing to notice shapes our thoughts and deeds."
R. D. Laing

tied to time

2009-07-27T17:49:39Z

the little ones

2009-07-23T04:17:57Z

There exists a horribly incorrect stigma surrounding cockroaches,
that they are all unsanitary, all infesting, and all generally
unfavorable to have around. I have to admit, up until a couple
months ago, I knew very little about them, and though I am truly
fascinated by all insects, I never realized how cool cockroaches
actually are. If you're the sort that gets the heebie jeebies at
the sight of creepy crawly things, this post is probably not for
you. But then again, you might find yourself pleasantly enlightened.

First, the back story. Clint acquired 4 Madagascar Hissing
Cockroaches, which then became 108. In short, he had to get rid
of most of them because they were getting out. 3 baby males found
a home with Rob, the live drummer for nolongerhuman. But due to
a change in residence, they are now in my hands.

Let me introduce you:

Ontz: He's big, slow, and pissy. Or shall I say, 'hissy' because
so far he's the only one that really ever hisses.

Beats: He's a jumper. He likes to catapult himself off your hand
at random, a suicide bomber with 6 legs. He's just recently started
to develop striking stripes and spots.

Snare: The runt. Minor and temporary protein deficiency caused this
tiny guy to chew his antennae a bit. But he's the smallest, calmest
of the three, and my personal favorite.

These guys are a non-infesting species of cockroach, wingless,
and do not bite. Contrary to belief, they won't just eat anything;
mine will hardly touch anything but fresh baby carrots.
I have to say my favorite thing about them is the nom-nomming noise
they make when they eat their carrots.
It's cuter than a bunny rabbit!

records

2009-07-19T23:09:24Z

I don't really know what I want to write. There are so many things on my mind right now, so many things I want to pour out and be done with the mulling of it all. That's why I write. I've kept journals for years, and still have most of them to this day. Some are pure imagery, sketches, designs, concept planning... others are pure words: records of my days, poems, streams of consciousness, parables, dreams... I go through phases, so to speak. A different sort of journal every time, no two are alike. Sometimes I get extremely attached to one, more than any other. As I near the end of it's pages, one of two things usually happen. If it has been a record of a good time in my life, I become sad. If it was a bad time, I rush my way through it and even tear out pages to get it over with. Each one sort of becomes a chapter, a representation of a single part of me by way of my experiences during that time. Things like this, online journals, out in the open... there's a different system here. This thing used to be a censored journal for me, the earlier entries an embarrassing example of a strong negative influence in my life. Now I am more open, significantly more free to express myself. Certainly, some see posting one's personal thoughts out in cyberspace with one's name attached is merely an attempt to gain attention. And yes, some people use it for such. I don't really see it that way for myself though. I'm a bit deeper than that, though it may never be acknowledged. I'm not looking for acknowledgment. I do what I am prompted to do, by the unnameable force within myself to which I attribute my artist tendencies. I write because I have no choice. I make images, I have no choice. I draw, paint, sculpt, craft, build, sing, play, dance, all as I eat and drink and breathe. Because it's my nature. I cannot fathom not making art as I cannot fathom breathing underwater.

But back to this journal thing. So I use this, and have continued to use it, because it never ends, I don't have to carry it with me everywhere I go, and in some small way I hope that my words may positively affect someone out there, inspire a thought, create a feeling of connection, anything. I stopped showing my physical journals to people because I was always met with blank faces and detached approval. This, however, is approachable even to strangers. I don't make it hard to find, if someone's curious enough, but I don't encourage anyone to read it either. Take from it what you will.

in summary

2009-07-12T04:05:59Z

[Sun Sign: Pisces][Sun 22° Pisces 24']
[Element: Water][Key Planet: Neptune]

Fish appear to be individuals, but have you ever seen a school of them swimming together? They act as one. Each is part of a greater whole. And you Pisces Fish are more aware of your interdependency than any other sign. It's as if you live in an ocean and the spirit that flows through you is like the one ocean that flows through all fishes. The symbol of the Fish is also the symbol of Christianity, the predominant religion during the past two thousand years -- also known to astrologers as the "Age of Pisces."

Motto: "Reality is just a shared illusion."
Greatest Strength: Your compassion for those in need
Possible Weakness: Confusion can put you at a disadvantage

[Moon Sign: Capricorn][Moon 9° Capricorn 17']

A strong sense of responsibility is likely to make you mature beyond your years. You tend not to give yourself much slack, especially when it comes to emotion. While this is great for being productive, it can make intimacy more of a challenge. Recognizing your inner needs generally requires effort since your obligations to the world often take precedence over your personal desires. Allowing yourself to feel vulnerable without immediately fixing the situation can be healthy because you need to baby yourself from time to time. This tenderness towards yourself is an act of trust and forgiveness that can soften your hard edges and show you that life is about more than getting ahead of staying in control.

Motto: "Trying harder always works."
Greatest Strength: Inner discipline and a strong sense of responsibility
Possible Weakness: Being too tough on yourself

[Rising Sign: Gemini][Ascendant 22° Gemini 39']

Having Gemini Rising is like owning a universal pass key that gets you in everywhere you want to go. That's because you can adapt yourself to all different kinds of people and situations. You instinctively pick up on the prevailing mood and find a way to fit in easily. You tend to be chatty, freely expressing yourself in ways that are pleasant for others to hear. You're open to sharing your thoughts without coming across as bossy or judgmental. You've got a light touch that helps you make your point in a roundabout way, rather than producing resistance by coming on too strong. And you don't appear to be demanding, but tend to have such an outgoing friendly manner that you're welcome just about everywhere.

Motto: "Let's talk about it."
Greatest Strength: Your ability to adapt to a variety of circumstances
Possible Weakness: Providing more information than necessary

few words accurately express feeling.

2009-06-22T23:02:05Z

I feel like writing. I am restless, pacing, discontent. I long for some sort of validation, childishly, and am growing anxious by the minute. I wonder of your dreams, the world behind your eyes. You stir and my heart leaps, you turn about and I turn to greet you with a smile. You lay motionless, just for a moment, and then the tiny fluttering muscles in you toes begin again. The choir sings our songs in the background, score to these mornings of mine, here with you. I become this brimming well of aspiration when I am near you, every step a step forward, every day a day closer.

[0]0[0]0[0]0[0]

2009-06-11T02:31:47Z

i feel it coming down, you said it,
you don't believe me but i feel myself falling,
and i don't want to stop.
it's begun, this amazing understanding,
the balance, unbreakable,
meshing cells with their counterparts.
sensory intuition, compelled,
i feel you even in the deepest confines of my mind.
you are apart of me, and all
that matters to me.

and also, random.

2009-06-02T06:46:31Z

one late evening a few days ago, i was walking to the store, drunk,
to get some beer. i was at clint's, where the nearest store is a
20 minute walk away. prior to the beginning of my adventure, i
had been taking swigs of 101 proof whiskey and chasing with 9.9%
caffeinated beer. i was almost to the store, but had to pee.
so i went into popeye's to use their restroom.

and i did.

the next thing that i remember is waking up strapped to a gurney in
the back of an ambulance outside of popeye's. very disoriented and
angry that i was there without my prior consent, i told the EMT
i "knew my rights" and didn't HAVE to go to the hospital if i didn't
want to. i unbuckled the gurney straps and got out.

only to be immediately arrested. YAY ME.

they took me to detox downtown and i had to stay there for 3 hours.
i caught the last max back to beaverton, and immediately celebrated
the debacle with a beer and a smoke. WOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

moral of the story, use the buddy system when drunk.

oh, and also, having clint write his number on my arm in big bold
sharpie really helped. when the cops asked if i had someone to call,
i just pointed to my arm.

reeling in all i'd like to say.

2009-06-01T18:58:44Z

i don't always have the most prettiest of words.
someday far away, past or present, i did or will.
i blurt out sometimes, others, i consider my words for hours.
i don't know how to be perfect, just better.
and i'm trying.

no one asks for my advice.
i am seen as this irresponsible little thing,
not to be trusted nor given ANYTHING.

do you know how much it hurts?
DO YOU?

i reach out and grasp the air where where you belong.
i pound upon the rumbling cavern where nourishment should be.
i deserve every minute of discomfort and longing and suffering.
i am imperfect, after all. if i can't or shouldn't or won't,
i am simply a failure.

i want to be beaten to death by a stranger. or cancer. anything.
the one thing i least expect, i want to die from.
then i simply won't see it coming.

i've never really liked surprises.

for my loves.

2009-05-17T00:48:58Z

CocoRosie "Promise"

Open hearted as a heart can be
'Cause we all a ruin like broken leaves
I give you me in oceans of tears up to my knees
Stitched together like pants and sleeves
I carry this carapace worn thin by he and she
Danced to dust and dusk and
Strung along the highway
I found my way belligerent
Following the stars of your eyes

Promise me you'll cherish
This tarnished offering

And if you take me inside
And you give me a place to hide and cry
I'll bathe you in the crystal light
That sleeps between my thighs
At times you fear the angle's sigh
To the lord and heavens that this ain't right
But in this chalice you'll find the wine
Our hands hold bonfires burning bright
And the heart is dumb and the heart is blind
But I think you'll find that the lord is kind
And I pray you'll cherish this tarnished offering
Burnt silver brushed lavender offspring

Promise me you'll cherish
This tarnished offering

Burnt silver brushed lavender offspring
Sprung from me when first we kissed
You held me quietly a rush purged me of my past
Opened a desert of diamonds vast glinting and a tiny chorus
Of swallows, swing open the door freed the caged bees
And wallows, swarm geometric patterns on the sun
Eclipse new moon
Tempt my werewolf not to run
Tempt my werewolf not to run

nothingreal0 @ 2009-05-15T22:47:00

2009-05-16T05:48:26Z

"i bite my lip just enough to stay awake.
i never wonder if i'll bend or if i'll break
let's disappear, no fear
wake up a thousand miles from here
you pick the place, come closer, whisper in my ear
anywhere but here..."

sorry for the bad grammar but sometimes the breaking is better than the rules.

2009-05-10T08:33:27Z

this will be disjointed because i'm unhinged. i'm not going to edit or censor.. i'm in a weird state, no one around, no one to care, no one to feel a thing about me even though i care for people constantly, no sleep only amplifies the reason i'm constantly damned with concern over the well being of those around... i find it strange that unconventional relationships cause so much ruckus. get over it, it's human nature. you don't get it because you're too insecure. i have a difficult time pinpointing where this will go, but, i love how i feel regardless, i'm becoming this infinitely better person because of it.
that aside, in the moment, i succumb to the will of my own heart...

good night.

take me, break out, let loose and be free. just this once.

nothingreal0 @ 2009-05-05T17:18:00

2009-05-06T00:27:34Z

surrounding sounds feel distant now,
i hear you from the inside, penetrating
the stillness settles heavy around us.
dying, we're dying, we're motionless;
what we never knew was taken from us.
fighting, we fight it ever step of the way;
what we needed was neglected.
now we're here, this moment, frozen
we're watching helplessly with
our hands bound in fear.

[it's not fantasy][it's inevitable reality]

2009-04-29T08:13:46Z

Not feeling exactly articulate, but I've had the desire to post
for days now. I sit down to do it, brimming with streams of thought
and feeling, reflection with or without enlightenment. Sometimes one
must simply vent without expecting much from it. To let free the
excess pressure, to send it out, is a simple verification of life.
Whether or not I have the motivation is another story.

Lately I've felt this increasingly overwhelming desire to be
creative. I made a halter in 5 minutes the other day from a Suicide
Commando t-shirt Clint gave me. I have plans to do photo shoots
with Maddi as well, which will be fun and interesting, doubling
as time for us to bond and get to know each other better.

That's something that's been on my mind a lot lately. I really like
her, genuinely, and I worry it may not be mutual... But I am very
patient. It's an unusual situation for us both, but I want it to
work, in the best of ways. And I have faith that it will.
On a side note, we went out to a Tiki Bar and had a girl's night,
sipping on drinks like the Pink Thing and the Chi-Chi, very amusing
I know. I enjoy her company a lot, and I look forward to going out
with her more often. She is a rad Lady.

Devi is in heat, I have to make an appointment before she gets too
obnoxious. Her change in demeanor is kind of cute, all twitterpated
and affectionate, but before long it will escalate, and I don't want
to piss off my roommates. Let's just hope the clinics aren't already
booked up for Spring.

I'm just kind of bouncing all over the place as bits of things come
to mind; I'm feeling scattered and unmotivated. I have yet to find
the creative flow of energy, here in my new residence. I have been
kind of neglecting it in a way. What I need to do is figure out how to
get that desk out of storage and finish setting up my room. Right now
it's half furnished and cluttered, and in dire need of some hip
decorations. Fixing it up would really encourage me to make art more
often. I'm going to make it a goal to finish my room this next month.

I'm writing all this petty commentary, all the while my mind is immersed
in thoughts of him. He inspires me and encourages me to grow stronger
as a person; I am at times brought to tears in happiness. I should be
more afraid, to let myself fall for someone so fast, after all that has
happened in the past. But he erases the pain, he erases the worry. He
erases the names and faces, he erases the self-doubt, the fear. He takes
away those things and leaves the stronger, better me, standing taller,
no longer slouching in fatigue. I should be more reluctant, but I have
no reason to be, not anymore. He won't hurt me. I believe it. He won't
leave or lie or cheat, I believe it. I love him. I do, and I know he
feels the same... and for that I couldn't be happier. Hearing it, with his
eyes glued to mine... The feeling is indescribable. He is so very
special to me, I will never let him go.

Some day, we are all going to leave here, it's already decided. Some day,
and NOT in the far-off unrealistic sort of way, we'll all going to migrate
to San Fransisco. To a better city, a better life, leaving all the pains
of our pasts in Portland behind. I can't wait.

a long weekend.

2009-04-20T08:32:16Z

Arms, shoulders, ribs, glutes, hams...
I feel as if I were beat up.

Rest is best, catching up on some zzzz's...
I'm preparing mentally for all that I intend to
achieve this week. I want to work on decorating
my room in some fashion, do a few sets of photos,
finish the book I'm reading and start and adhere to
a new workout schedule.

Today was unnaturally nice, even for mid-April.
Summer is going to come on instantaneously
like it has in recent years; Spring and Autumn seem
to be decreasing down in prominence.
Summer's colder, Winter's drier.

My allergies are beginning, at least they were full-on
bothering me today. Weather.com has this great regional
allergy section; this area has at the moment Common Timonthy Grass.
It's everywhere, so there's no escaping it. I live near a bluff
too, so I'm sure all of wind coming up from the Willamette
is direction on th bluff field's pollen right to my doorstep.
Maybe one day I'll finally get the allergy shots and be done
with this awfully annoying condition. I do like however, knowing
that allergies are actually a bi-product of a hypersensitive
immune system. Makes me feel, uh, like Superwoman. HA.

I'm really not complaining. I've had it all my life, something
I'm used to. I've actually been so very happy lately, it's nice.
Sometimes I get scared, that it's not real, this happiness...
It is known that I fear an abstract disappearing act.
But then there are moments when he holds my face in his hands
and my fears melt away. His words wash them from my mind,
each time I become a little stronger, a little less afraid.
It's small gestures like that, that can mean the world.

Elbow "Any Day Now"

2009-04-17T01:32:52Z

Any day now how's about getting out of this place, anyways,
Got a lot of spare time, Some of my youth,
And all of my senses on overdrive.
What's got into me? Can't believe myself... lately.
Must be someone else... Must be.
Don't play Coltrane, you will sleep at the wheel.
Eyes on horizon, don't sleep at the wheel.

Today = FAIL.

2009-04-16T02:50:31Z

Today was supposed to be a productive day. Many things on my
list to do... and very few of them were actually completed.
The only thing I accomplished was the extraction of a large
sum of money to dish out to my various creditors. And I started
my laundry. HOW PRODUCTIVE. I will be completely honest, after I
spend time with people I care for and enjoy being around, after I
must part from them, I feel pretty lousy. Not that I'm codependent,
I'm just very socially driven. I'd feel a tad bit better even if
one of my THREE roommates were home. But no. I am in this huge
fucking house all by my lonesome, out in the middle of North
Portland, where there's nothing to do except go to the Night Hawk
and I refuse to go to a bar alone. No one ever wants to visit me,
either. My house, by the way, isn't THAT far out, and it's a
pretty BIG house, not to mention perfect for PARTIES. But no.
My car is broken down. And I am here ALONE.

No one wanted to hang out with me today. So I think I'm going
to turn on something sad and curl up under the covers.

Now I wish I had bought some whiskey while I was out. TOO LATE.

me, currently.

2009-04-15T20:45:03Z

Waiting for the shower to free up, towel in hand.
Sitting by the window, leaning out, smoking.
Wearing a nolongerhuman hoodie and not much else.
Glancing at the phone, to the left, every minute or so,
as if I'd somehow miss it trying to jump off the sill
if I had gotten a reply.

Waiting... wondering.

PS: I was dreaming a most desirable dream this morning;
I've never been to San Fransisco but in my dream Clint
and I were there, and at night it turned into this
classic vaudville/carnival sort of place, I mean REALLY
over the top, Moulin Rouge style. Sensational, indeed.
And then I instantly snapped awake, right in the middle
of my dream. Though I NEVER wake to the sound of my phone,
I awoke to a good morning text from Clint. How odd.