[NOTHING_REAL]

I
i pretend, i forget.
the moment consumes.

II

i weep.
the embers cool.

III

the divide disintegrates.
time and space unsew themselves.

my super fly pimp cruiser.

Maybe my words aren't fit for anyone.
Maybe no one cares.
I don't care that they don't,
so maybe it's just as well.

"The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice. And because we fail to notice that we fail to notice, there is little we can do to change; until we notice how failing to notice shapes our thoughts and deeds."
R. D. Laing

There exists a horribly incorrect stigma surrounding cockroaches,
that they are all unsanitary, all infesting, and all generally
unfavorable to have around. I have to admit, up until a couple
months ago, I knew very little about them, and though I am truly
fascinated by all insects, I never realized how cool cockroaches
actually are. If you're the sort that gets the heebie jeebies at
the sight of creepy crawly things, this post is probably not for
you. But then again, you might find yourself pleasantly enlightened.

First, the back story. Clint acquired 4 Madagascar Hissing
Cockroaches, which then became 108. In short, he had to get rid
of most of them because they were getting out. 3 baby males found
a home with Rob, the live drummer for nolongerhuman. But due to
a change in residence, they are now in my hands.

Let me introduce you:

Ontz: He's big, slow, and pissy. Or shall I say, 'hissy' because
so far he's the only one that really ever hisses.



Beats: He's a jumper. He likes to catapult himself off your hand
at random, a suicide bomber with 6 legs. He's just recently started
to develop striking stripes and spots.



Snare: The runt. Minor and temporary protein deficiency caused this
tiny guy to chew his antennae a bit. But he's the smallest, calmest
of the three, and my personal favorite.



These guys are a non-infesting species of cockroach, wingless,
and do not bite. Contrary to belief, they won't just eat anything;
mine will hardly touch anything but fresh baby carrots.
I have to say my favorite thing about them is the nom-nomming noise
they make when they eat their carrots.
It's cuter than a bunny rabbit!

I don't really know what I want to write. There are so many things on my mind right now, so many things I want to pour out and be done with the mulling of it all. That's why I write. I've kept journals for years, and still have most of them to this day. Some are pure imagery, sketches, designs, concept planning... others are pure words: records of my days, poems, streams of consciousness, parables, dreams... I go through phases, so to speak. A different sort of journal every time, no two are alike. Sometimes I get extremely attached to one, more than any other. As I near the end of it's pages, one of two things usually happen. If it has been a record of a good time in my life, I become sad. If it was a bad time, I rush my way through it and even tear out pages to get it over with. Each one sort of becomes a chapter, a representation of a single part of me by way of my experiences during that time. Things like this, online journals, out in the open... there's a different system here. This thing used to be a censored journal for me, the earlier entries an embarrassing example of a strong negative influence in my life. Now I am more open, significantly more free to express myself. Certainly, some see posting one's personal thoughts out in cyberspace with one's name attached is merely an attempt to gain attention. And yes, some people use it for such. I don't really see it that way for myself though. I'm a bit deeper than that, though it may never be acknowledged. I'm not looking for acknowledgment. I do what I am prompted to do, by the unnameable force within myself to which I attribute my artist tendencies. I write because I have no choice. I make images, I have no choice. I draw, paint, sculpt, craft, build, sing, play, dance, all as I eat and drink and breathe. Because it's my nature. I cannot fathom not making art as I cannot fathom breathing underwater.

But back to this journal thing. So I use this, and have continued to use it, because it never ends, I don't have to carry it with me everywhere I go, and in some small way I hope that my words may positively affect someone out there, inspire a thought, create a feeling of connection, anything. I stopped showing my physical journals to people because I was always met with blank faces and detached approval. This, however, is approachable even to strangers. I don't make it hard to find, if someone's curious enough, but I don't encourage anyone to read it either. Take from it what you will.

[Sun Sign: Pisces][Sun 22° Pisces 24']
[Element: Water][Key Planet: Neptune]

Fish appear to be individuals, but have you ever seen a school of them swimming together? They act as one. Each is part of a greater whole. And you Pisces Fish are more aware of your interdependency than any other sign. It's as if you live in an ocean and the spirit that flows through you is like the one ocean that flows through all fishes. The symbol of the Fish is also the symbol of Christianity, the predominant religion during the past two thousand years -- also known to astrologers as the "Age of Pisces."

Motto: "Reality is just a shared illusion."
Greatest Strength: Your compassion for those in need
Possible Weakness: Confusion can put you at a disadvantage


[Moon Sign: Capricorn][Moon 9° Capricorn 17']

A strong sense of responsibility is likely to make you mature beyond your years. You tend not to give yourself much slack, especially when it comes to emotion. While this is great for being productive, it can make intimacy more of a challenge. Recognizing your inner needs generally requires effort since your obligations to the world often take precedence over your personal desires. Allowing yourself to feel vulnerable without immediately fixing the situation can be healthy because you need to baby yourself from time to time. This tenderness towards yourself is an act of trust and forgiveness that can soften your hard edges and show you that life is about more than getting ahead of staying in control.

Motto: "Trying harder always works."
Greatest Strength: Inner discipline and a strong sense of responsibility
Possible Weakness: Being too tough on yourself


[Rising Sign: Gemini][Ascendant 22° Gemini 39']

Having Gemini Rising is like owning a universal pass key that gets you in everywhere you want to go. That's because you can adapt yourself to all different kinds of people and situations. You instinctively pick up on the prevailing mood and find a way to fit in easily. You tend to be chatty, freely expressing yourself in ways that are pleasant for others to hear. You're open to sharing your thoughts without coming across as bossy or judgmental. You've got a light touch that helps you make your point in a roundabout way, rather than producing resistance by coming on too strong. And you don't appear to be demanding, but tend to have such an outgoing friendly manner that you're welcome just about everywhere.

Motto: "Let's talk about it."
Greatest Strength: Your ability to adapt to a variety of circumstances
Possible Weakness: Providing more information than necessary

I feel like writing. I am restless, pacing, discontent. I long for some sort of validation, childishly, and am growing anxious by the minute. I wonder of your dreams, the world behind your eyes. You stir and my heart leaps, you turn about and I turn to greet you with a smile. You lay motionless, just for a moment, and then the tiny fluttering muscles in you toes begin again. The choir sings our songs in the background, score to these mornings of mine, here with you. I become this brimming well of aspiration when I am near you, every step a step forward, every day a day closer.

i feel it coming down, you said it,
you don't believe me but i feel myself falling,
and i don't want to stop.
it's begun, this amazing understanding,
the balance, unbreakable,
meshing cells with their counterparts.
sensory intuition, compelled,
i feel you even in the deepest confines of my mind.
you are apart of me, and all
that matters to me.

one late evening a few days ago, i was walking to the store, drunk,
to get some beer. i was at clint's, where the nearest store is a
20 minute walk away. prior to the beginning of my adventure, i
had been taking swigs of 101 proof whiskey and chasing with 9.9%
caffeinated beer. i was almost to the store, but had to pee.
so i went into popeye's to use their restroom.

and i did.

the next thing that i remember is waking up strapped to a gurney in
the back of an ambulance outside of popeye's. very disoriented and
angry that i was there without my prior consent, i told the EMT
i "knew my rights" and didn't HAVE to go to the hospital if i didn't
want to. i unbuckled the gurney straps and got out.

only to be immediately arrested. YAY ME.

they took me to detox downtown and i had to stay there for 3 hours.
i caught the last max back to beaverton, and immediately celebrated
the debacle with a beer and a smoke. WOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

moral of the story, use the buddy system when drunk.

oh, and also, having clint write his number on my arm in big bold
sharpie really helped. when the cops asked if i had someone to call,
i just pointed to my arm.

i don't always have the most prettiest of words.
someday far away, past or present, i did or will.
i blurt out sometimes, others, i consider my words for hours.
i don't know how to be perfect, just better.
and i'm trying.

no one asks for my advice.
i am seen as this irresponsible little thing,
not to be trusted nor given ANYTHING.

do you know how much it hurts?
DO YOU?

i reach out and grasp the air where where you belong.
i pound upon the rumbling cavern where nourishment should be.
i deserve every minute of discomfort and longing and suffering.
i am imperfect, after all. if i can't or shouldn't or won't,
i am simply a failure.

i want to be beaten to death by a stranger. or cancer. anything.
the one thing i least expect, i want to die from.
then i simply won't see it coming.

i've never really liked surprises.

CocoRosie "Promise"

Open hearted as a heart can be
'Cause we all a ruin like broken leaves
I give you me in oceans of tears up to my knees
Stitched together like pants and sleeves
I carry this carapace worn thin by he and she
Danced to dust and dusk and
Strung along the highway
I found my way belligerent
Following the stars of your eyes

Promise me you'll cherish
This tarnished offering

And if you take me inside
And you give me a place to hide and cry
I'll bathe you in the crystal light
That sleeps between my thighs
At times you fear the angle's sigh
To the lord and heavens that this ain't right
But in this chalice you'll find the wine
Our hands hold bonfires burning bright
And the heart is dumb and the heart is blind
But I think you'll find that the lord is kind
And I pray you'll cherish this tarnished offering
Burnt silver brushed lavender offspring

Promise me you'll cherish
This tarnished offering

Burnt silver brushed lavender offspring
Sprung from me when first we kissed
You held me quietly a rush purged me of my past
Opened a desert of diamonds vast glinting and a tiny chorus
Of swallows, swing open the door freed the caged bees
And wallows, swarm geometric patterns on the sun
Eclipse new moon
Tempt my werewolf not to run
Tempt my werewolf not to run

"i bite my lip just enough to stay awake.
i never wonder if i'll bend or if i'll break
let's disappear, no fear
wake up a thousand miles from here
you pick the place, come closer, whisper in my ear
anywhere but here..."

this will be disjointed because i'm unhinged. i'm not going to edit or censor.. i'm in a weird state, no one around, no one to care, no one to feel a thing about me even though i care for people constantly, no sleep only amplifies the reason i'm constantly damned with concern over the well being of those around... i find it strange that unconventional relationships cause so much ruckus. get over it, it's human nature. you don't get it because you're too insecure. i have a difficult time pinpointing where this will go, but, i love how i feel regardless, i'm becoming this infinitely better person because of it.
that aside, in the moment, i succumb to the will of my own heart...

good night.

take me, break out, let loose and be free. just this once.

surrounding sounds feel distant now,
i hear you from the inside, penetrating
the stillness settles heavy around us.
dying, we're dying, we're motionless;
what we never knew was taken from us.
fighting, we fight it ever step of the way;
what we needed was neglected.
now we're here, this moment, frozen
we're watching helplessly with
our hands bound in fear.