[NOTHING_REAL]

( Cute! )

I
i pretend, i forget.
the moment consumes.

II

i weep.
the embers cool.

III

the divide disintegrates.
time and space unsew themselves.

( my super fly pimp cruiser.  )

There exists a horribly incorrect stigma surrounding cockroaches,
that they are all unsanitary, all infesting, and all generally
unfavorable to have around. I have to admit, up until a couple
months ago, I knew very little about them, and though I am truly
fascinated by all insects, I never realized how cool cockroaches
actually are. If you're the sort that gets the heebie jeebies at
the sight of creepy crawly things, this post is probably not for
you. But then again, you might find yourself pleasantly enlightened.

( Cockroaches are cool. )

i don't always have the most prettiest of words.
someday far away, past or present, i did or will.
i blurt out sometimes, others, i consider my words for hours.
i don't know how to be perfect, just better.
and i'm trying.

no one asks for my advice.
i am seen as this irresponsible little thing,
not to be trusted nor given ANYTHING.

do you know how much it hurts?
DO YOU?

i reach out and grasp the air where where you belong.
i pound upon the rumbling cavern where nourishment should be.
i deserve every minute of discomfort and longing and suffering.
i am imperfect, after all. if i can't or shouldn't or won't,
i am simply a failure.

i want to be beaten to death by a stranger. or cancer. anything.
the one thing i least expect, i want to die from.
then i simply won't see it coming.

i've never really liked surprises.

"i bite my lip just enough to stay awake.
i never wonder if i'll bend or if i'll break
let's disappear, no fear
wake up a thousand miles from here
you pick the place, come closer, whisper in my ear
anywhere but here..."

this will be disjointed because i'm unhinged. i'm not going to edit or censor.. i'm in a weird state, no one around, no one to care, no one to feel a thing about me even though i care for people constantly, no sleep only amplifies the reason i'm constantly damned with concern over the well being of those around... i find it strange that unconventional relationships cause so much ruckus. get over it, it's human nature. you don't get it because you're too insecure. i have a difficult time pinpointing where this will go, but, i love how i feel regardless, i'm becoming this infinitely better person because of it.
that aside, in the moment, i succumb to the will of my own heart...

good night.

take me, break out, let loose and be free. just this once.

surrounding sounds feel distant now,
i hear you from the inside, penetrating
the stillness settles heavy around us.
dying, we're dying, we're motionless;
what we never knew was taken from us.
fighting, we fight it ever step of the way;
what we needed was neglected.
now we're here, this moment, frozen
we're watching helplessly with
our hands bound in fear.

Any day now how's about getting out of this place, anyways,
Got a lot of spare time, Some of my youth,
And all of my senses on overdrive.
What's got into me? Can't believe myself... lately.
Must be someone else... Must be.
Don't play Coltrane, you will sleep at the wheel.
Eyes on horizon, don't sleep at the wheel.

Today was supposed to be a productive day. Many things on my
list to do... and very few of them were actually completed.
The only thing I accomplished was the extraction of a large
sum of money to dish out to my various creditors. And I started
my laundry. HOW PRODUCTIVE. I will be completely honest, after I
spend time with people I care for and enjoy being around, after I
must part from them, I feel pretty lousy. Not that I'm codependent,
I'm just very socially driven. I'd feel a tad bit better even if
one of my THREE roommates were home. But no. I am in this huge
fucking house all by my lonesome, out in the middle of North
Portland, where there's nothing to do except go to the Night Hawk
and I refuse to go to a bar alone. No one ever wants to visit me,
either. My house, by the way, isn't THAT far out, and it's a
pretty BIG house, not to mention perfect for PARTIES. But no.
My car is broken down. And I am here ALONE.

No one wanted to hang out with me today. So I think I'm going
to turn on something sad and curl up under the covers.

Now I wish I had bought some whiskey while I was out. TOO LATE.

Waiting for the shower to free up, towel in hand.
Sitting by the window, leaning out, smoking.
Wearing a nolongerhuman hoodie and not much else.
Glancing at the phone, to the left, every minute or so,
as if I'd somehow miss it trying to jump off the sill
if I had gotten a reply.

Waiting... wondering.

PS: I was dreaming a most desirable dream this morning;
I've never been to San Fransisco but in my dream Clint
and I were there, and at night it turned into this
classic vaudville/carnival sort of place, I mean REALLY
over the top, Moulin Rouge style. Sensational, indeed.
And then I instantly snapped awake, right in the middle
of my dream. Though I NEVER wake to the sound of my phone,
I awoke to a good morning text from Clint. How odd.

any person walking into my room at any given point
would know instantly an artist lives here.
on a typical day, there is a tripod standing in the center of the room,
a spot light pushed to the corner, yards of fabric in piles,
boxes of supplies, tools everywhere, and evidence of life, dishes
and cigarettes and clothes and shoes... i think tomorrow shall be
cleaning day. i've been busy or gone too often, it got carried away.
but still, this is my sanctuary.

( here's an image of my makeup from last night: )

i am finally starting to feel better,
though this cough only seems to be getting worse.
i bought american spirits, thinking it would be
better for me, but they only seem to irritate my
lungs more.

( It's quite strange. )

i am so fucking sick and tired of meeting new people and then later
have them divulge that "everyone" has warned them about me,
that i'm a slut and unclean and all this nonsense.
first of all, i don't say those things about other people,
even if it's true! simply put, if you're not their doctor you have no right!
it's called lying!

second of all, for your fucking information...
i recently had to go to the hospital for a minor health problem,
and just as a precaution, they did a pelvic exam and all the tests,
which came back 100% clean!
so fuck off!

yeah you, you with your insulting immature blogs and gaping mouth --
let me ask you this --

when was the last time you got tested?

shut the fuck up.

I haven't posted in over a month...
too much has happened since then...

( too much. too much. too much. )

i'll be there...
will you?